I woke up today pretty excited to start this new program. I was ready to go. It was the fresh start i was looking for. And as i was in bed scrolling facebook, my “on this day” popped up. And honestly…i wasn’t ready for it. I thought it was tomorrow, i was prepared for tomorrow. As i read that post, I remember writing it and no one had any idea what i meant. Just me.
365 days ago, my life changed in every way imaginable. I was vacuuming my living room and Curt walked in the front door. He had the weirdest look on his face and being with him for 20 years, i knew it wasn't good. He just said, “You are never going to forgive me, our life is over.” I just stood there, vacuum in hand as he told me that he had been living a life that I would never forgive. Everything I knew, loved, thought, and cherished was annihilated with one conversation that left my family broken. It was one of those moments when you know you're talking to another person but you feel like you're hovering above the scene, watching as a third-party observer; witnessing the death of every good and decent emotion or memory of the past 20 years. The details are not important. Whats important is that we are still here.
Im not gonna lie, its been the longest year of my life. And as i laid in bed this morning…i was not angry. I was not sad. This “anniversary” was something i have heard is really hard to deal with, so i was trying to prepare for this day for months. But, this morning, i just cried…not mourning my marriage or my life, but i cried because I was so grateful that God saved Curt this day a year ago. God saved my marriage. God saved my family. I really believe that. Of course it would have been great to not have this happen, but all i kept thinking is…Curt came to me. He shed light on the darkness. He brought his sins to God. He chose US instead of the life he had been living. And that is something to celebrate.
God is a redeemer.
God forgave Curt that day.
It took me until April to really forgive, but I have. ❤️
We are still here.
I am still here.
This last year of our life has been lived daily, almost minute-by-minute. There were a million possible outcomes and I considered every one of them, enduring sleepless nights and comatose days for sometimes weeks on end. But through everything we have experienced, one sentiment resounded clearly and loudly: we are not a cliché and this is our story to write and the outcome is being penned every day on a backdrop of forgiveness, redemption, and hope.
We are still here.
And as painful as that moment and the subsequent 365 days worth of moments have been, I truly believe I've seen the hand of God and felt his saving grace in a family that needed it.
Our lives have changed in ways I never considered because God has given us a type of grace I never knew existed. I read about it and believed it was fine for other people but didn't think I would ever have to tap into it. So every day we move forward with a little more hope and purpose than the day before. We move forward even though we have lost friends who said they would be there for us no matter what. AND we have found new friends that have been more than we needed. We move forward out of a newfound love and not just obligation. I am changing, he is changing, we are changed. This is our new reality.
It's a process and not a quick-fix or formula (sound familiar???). Somedays we cry hard and laugh harder. The days add up and with them our collective lives are growing closer because we are learning to acknowledge the past, build the present, and anticipate a future. As much as it felt like life had ended, it didn't. We have a second chance that will not be thrown away.
Wow..its hard to share when i have sooo much to say, but not enough room to say it. Im sure your wondering how this ties into what i am doing, but all i know is that we are capable of more than we think, In ALL aspects of life. I always knew i was stubborn and determined, but now i realize I am committed and i am hopeful. I know anything is possible...if we put in the work and want it bad enough.
***My support system this year...
And when I decide to do something, I am all in. This past year I have applied these traits to my family and marriage and daily life on a few different levels and I have been successful because I work hard and try to walk out what I ask others to do. So, that is what i am going to lean on as i do this new program.
This couldn’t come at a better time, as i said, this year i have just been “surviving” and so i need to do this. I do not take this for granted. This is a huge commitment and I welcome the challenge ahead of me because I know that I have a chance to do something that could benefit thousands of other people I will never meet. And isn't that what this is all about, really? A few years ago I got into BeachBody so I could improve certain areas of my own health and well-being but now I realize that I enjoy helping others as much as I do seeing results for myself.
This is going to be quite a challenge and it will take discipline and effort but I welcome all of it. Over the last year I've seen and felt too much to be intimidated by pain or discouragement or despair. In the past I might have approached this opportunity with fear and doubt but not today. Now I am excited and I expect to succeed. I am doing this for myself as well as all of you who know me and believe in me.
So, thank you for being apart of our journey.
Thank you for your support and love.
Thank you for your encouragement.
I can't wait to keep you posted!
I've been keeping a little secret and can finally spill it.
So, if you have been reading my blog..you know i have been on the STRUGGLE BUS all year. And that the last 4 months have been the worst of it. Well, I can now share I am 1 of the 55 coaches selected to participate in the official coach test program for the 2B Mindset program that will be launching next year!
It was pretty amazing to me that after i have shared my struggles that this opportunity came to me.
We’re working with a small group of coaches alongside the creator (Ilana Muhlstein, R.D.N.) of this incredible nutritional program for the next 2 month before it officially launches in 2018!
Yesterday we had our first meeting/training and I can tell you that this program is seriously going to change my life. It’s EXACTLY what I have been missing in regards to my nutrition, and ESPECIALLY my mindset and I’m so so so excited for the impact it’s going to have on so many people.
Last month at the leadership conference it was announced that a nutritionist & dietician had partnered with Beachbody to create a program that would change the lives of everyone who did it. And it includes ZERO workouts. It’s called the 2B Mindset. I remember watching this video and just crying because i have struggled my whole life with food. I love working out...that isnt really my issue. It my relationship with food. And this program is focused on that! I even struggle with the 21 day fix containers...and i know they work. I have experienced that they work..and still i struggle.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL - because as of TODAY, Its the official day 1 of this test group for the 2B Mindset.
I am one of about 50 coaches total who has the chance to work 1:1 with @ilanamuhlsteinrd.
I’m excited to do something different - to change my mindset about food and nutrition and to hopefully soon help YOU do the same ❤️
While I can’t spill the beans about the program in its entirety, I will say - this is gonna be a life changer!!
How funny that this is following the last post. Its been 11 days since i wrote a post and I had big plans...hmmm...that's just great. Ugh.
November is traditionally a month we give thanks for things in our lives and the timing is perfect because we usually follow that up by making our wish list for December - the month we ask for more things in which we will be thankful for come the following November. It's a a nice cycle of pondering and expectation smooshed between turkey sandwiches and mistletoe.
I shared a pretty hard post on facebook yesterday and i thought I should do the same here and admit something that is neither enjoyable nor marketable. I am 20 pounds heavier than I was at the beginning of summer.
You might be thinking...how can that happen, she is a coach. Well, it happened like it has my whole life...slowly, pound by pound. Since becoming a coach, I have tried not to weigh myself very often because BEFORE..i was a SLAVE to that stupid scale. And i do better not focusing on numbers these days. Well, i have had lots of things come up over the last 4 months...and i haven't been consistent with my workouts or with my nutrition. So, when i stepped on the scale yesterday, I knew it would be a up a FEW pounds... but not 20! I mean, holy crap...20??? Really? Maybe this isn't the best thing for my business model and if I had a swanky New York publicist I doubt she would suggest this course of action to invite others to join me on my journey from death to life, from being unhealthy to living a fulfilled life.
the reason I AM sharing this is precisely because this is a journey. Old Tina would have changed the subject or tried to put a different spin on things or would have not mentioned this at all. But I am not Old Tina and have decided that reflection (not deflection) is the best course of action because I want to lead by example. I want to be real, honest. And no matter if that is a small victory or a HUGE stumble, Im sharing it. I can't just share all the good things, the good filtered pics. I have to share the ugly too. I want people to see that this is do-able. That this journey is not always easy, but that it can be done. And that if I can do it...anyone can do it!
So, Instead of getting frustrated, angry, or depressed at this bump in my journey. I am just choosing to get up. I know I can right this ship and get back to where I want to be. I can lead by example and replace my excuses with actions. Knowing what to do and doing those things are two different things and it's time to move past knowledge into accountability. I am being honest with you because I want you to be honest with yourself and understand that it's okay if you are not where you want to be right now. It's okay if you've been where you wanted but now find yourself in a different place. And it's okay if you've been working towards a goal you haven't reached yet. The important thing is to not be defeated. To not Quit. To not give up.
This is journey and as we approach a time of reflection and thanks, take a moment to think about how far you have come and that you are not alone. I am in this with you and as I reinvest myself into a plan to get where I want to be, my hope is that you will join me and we can do this together.
Instead of giving up and surrendering to circumstances, let's work hard to remember that we are a team and we win together.
That sounds like a lot to be thankful for. <3
Anyone that knows me at all, knows that this has been one of the hardest years of my life. There have been some days that my goal for myself is to just function. As a coach, this is not what i am supposed to do... let alone actually tell anyone that this is where i am at. And there have been many days over this year that i have felt like a fraud. But one thing i am...is honest and I try to be transparent. So, on that note...here we go.
Im writing this today for anyone who's ever GAINED weight during an extremely difficult time in their life. It might feel like you are alone, but you need to know, You are NOT alone!
Last fall, I experienced the most heartbreaking situation. I couldn't shut down because i am a mom and a coach, but from November - March, I was in survival mode. Somedays all I could do was get out of bed, get dressed and take care of my kids. Of course, the first thing out the window was the good habits of taking care of myself. But, I couldn't let go completely because...I am a coach. I packed on 10lbs due to the very confusing and dark time I was going through. I couldn't get myself to work out or eat well. And everyday, i would get up and think, "I need to get back in the game!" but, I just felt like such a failure, I couldn't get my act together. And the thing that hurt the most was that I KNEW what i needed to do. I KNEW the food to eat, i KNEW the plans to follow by heart. I just felt so weak. It's CRAZY what EMOTIONAL STRESS can do to the body.
It has been 11 months and today when i weighed, i was exactly 15lbs heavier than i was last year at this time.
And I have had enough.
I feel gross.
I feel weak.
I am emotionally and physically tired.
I got off that scale and had that feeling I had when I originally started this journey 2 years ago! I HAVE to start taking care of myself. I am a better person when I am taking care of myself. And I KNOW THIS! Even though life is sometimes out of control...my health is something I can control. And when life happens, we cant let it derail us. And i feel like that is what has happened to me. Don't get me wrong, the past 11 months haven't all been bad. I still get up every day and try, but not the way someone who is SERIOUS about changing there lifestyle does. I have had some good days sprinkled in there, but not many. On a positive note, I am grateful. I am grateful that even though i haven't had any movement really this past year...I didn't fully give up. And i totally would have before Beachbody. I would have given up completely..on everything.
Thankfully, I am daily weathering this life storm, and today I'm in a much better place. I tell my challengers all the time that the only way we fail is if we QUIT. And that has been getting me through every day this last year. Most days i have messed up or failed in some aspect, but I wont give up... And again, today is my Day 1.
As personal and scary as this was to share, I hope it helps ONE person know that there is grace and hope. You can make it through, you'll be OK. Just don't ever forget to take care of yourself! I am so grateful that I was not alone this year. That even though i felt like i was failing..DAILY...i still tried. I still showed up.
So, if you are ready to walk this journey with someone that knows GRACE and persistence...come with me. Im looking for women who want join me in completely transforming their bodies. Its not always easy, but it is so much better when we are doing it together. My next group starts November 5th and I am ready to go. We have 8 weeks left of this year and ALOT can happen in 8 weeks. (Aren't you interested to see what you can do in 8 weeks??? I am ❤️ )
There ya have it. Yep, I am a coach...a coach that isn't perfect. But a coach that will never give up...on myself or you.
I have not been able to do anything for the last 2 days.
Today I will not work out again and tomorrow looks a little iffy, too. Now, don't get me wrong or think I'm just relaxing for the sake of it because I really want to work out. I do. But unfortunately I tweaked my back and it's sore and hurts when I bend or contort it certain ways so I think rest is in order. I am choosing to be smart and not sacrifice long term goals because I am stubborn and don't want to miss a work out. Longevity is the key, here.
But please don't think I am packing it in for a the next day or two; lounging around aimlessly while I wait for my back to give me the green light to exercise. I was considering what I might write about that might inspire you and I realized that all of us have the occasional monkey wrench thrown into our days; when things happen that we don't anticipate but still have to deal with. And not all of these interruptions are life-shattering events that cripple or devastate us. Sometimes we have minor annoyances like running errands all day or having to take sick children to doctor appointments or tweaking our backs... things that just get in the way.
It's easy to get frustrated and experience an attitude nose-dive that affects the rest of our day. But I'm not going to let that happen. So I sit here alternating heat and cold on my back, watching a preview for the new Walking Dead season (I still miss you Glenn and Abraham), and writing to encourage you. I want you to know that time is wasted only if we allow it to be. I want you to be encouraged and know that I am rooting for you! So don't give up if you find yourself out of commission for a while.
Be proud of your accomplishments and know that this is a marathon and not a sprint.
You got this.
Im a 43 year old Mom taking charge of her health and who's passionate about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life.