I woke up today pretty excited to start this new program. I was ready to go. It was the fresh start i was looking for. And as i was in bed scrolling facebook, my “on this day” popped up. And honestly…i wasn’t ready for it. I thought it was tomorrow, i was prepared for tomorrow. As i read that post, I remember writing it and no one had any idea what i meant. Just me.
365 days ago, my life changed in every way imaginable. I was vacuuming my living room and Curt walked in the front door. He had the weirdest look on his face and being with him for 20 years, i knew it wasn't good. He just said, “You are never going to forgive me, our life is over.” I just stood there, vacuum in hand as he told me that he had been living a life that I would never forgive. Everything I knew, loved, thought, and cherished was annihilated with one conversation that left my family broken. It was one of those moments when you know you're talking to another person but you feel like you're hovering above the scene, watching as a third-party observer; witnessing the death of every good and decent emotion or memory of the past 20 years. The details are not important. Whats important is that we are still here.
Im not gonna lie, its been the longest year of my life. And as i laid in bed this morning…i was not angry. I was not sad. This “anniversary” was something i have heard is really hard to deal with, so i was trying to prepare for this day for months. But, this morning, i just cried…not mourning my marriage or my life, but i cried because I was so grateful that God saved Curt this day a year ago. God saved my marriage. God saved my family. I really believe that. Of course it would have been great to not have this happen, but all i kept thinking is…Curt came to me. He shed light on the darkness. He brought his sins to God. He chose US instead of the life he had been living. And that is something to celebrate.
God is a redeemer.
God forgave Curt that day.
It took me until April to really forgive, but I have. ❤️
We are still here.
I am still here.
This last year of our life has been lived daily, almost minute-by-minute. There were a million possible outcomes and I considered every one of them, enduring sleepless nights and comatose days for sometimes weeks on end. But through everything we have experienced, one sentiment resounded clearly and loudly: we are not a cliché and this is our story to write and the outcome is being penned every day on a backdrop of forgiveness, redemption, and hope.
We are still here.
And as painful as that moment and the subsequent 365 days worth of moments have been, I truly believe I've seen the hand of God and felt his saving grace in a family that needed it.
Our lives have changed in ways I never considered because God has given us a type of grace I never knew existed. I read about it and believed it was fine for other people but didn't think I would ever have to tap into it. So every day we move forward with a little more hope and purpose than the day before. We move forward even though we have lost friends who said they would be there for us no matter what. AND we have found new friends that have been more than we needed. We move forward out of a newfound love and not just obligation. I am changing, he is changing, we are changed. This is our new reality.
It's a process and not a quick-fix or formula (sound familiar???). Somedays we cry hard and laugh harder. The days add up and with them our collective lives are growing closer because we are learning to acknowledge the past, build the present, and anticipate a future. As much as it felt like life had ended, it didn't. We have a second chance that will not be thrown away.
Wow..its hard to share when i have sooo much to say, but not enough room to say it. Im sure your wondering how this ties into what i am doing, but all i know is that we are capable of more than we think, In ALL aspects of life. I always knew i was stubborn and determined, but now i realize I am committed and i am hopeful. I know anything is possible...if we put in the work and want it bad enough.
***My support system this year...
And when I decide to do something, I am all in. This past year I have applied these traits to my family and marriage and daily life on a few different levels and I have been successful because I work hard and try to walk out what I ask others to do. So, that is what i am going to lean on as i do this new program.
This couldn’t come at a better time, as i said, this year i have just been “surviving” and so i need to do this. I do not take this for granted. This is a huge commitment and I welcome the challenge ahead of me because I know that I have a chance to do something that could benefit thousands of other people I will never meet. And isn't that what this is all about, really? A few years ago I got into BeachBody so I could improve certain areas of my own health and well-being but now I realize that I enjoy helping others as much as I do seeing results for myself.
This is going to be quite a challenge and it will take discipline and effort but I welcome all of it. Over the last year I've seen and felt too much to be intimidated by pain or discouragement or despair. In the past I might have approached this opportunity with fear and doubt but not today. Now I am excited and I expect to succeed. I am doing this for myself as well as all of you who know me and believe in me.
So, thank you for being apart of our journey.
Thank you for your support and love.
Thank you for your encouragement.
I can't wait to keep you posted!
Im a 43 year old Mom taking charge of her health and who's passionate about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life.