So, once again, i woke up this morning to another "on this day" memory on facebook. But it was actually from 2 years ago. It was a good memory. A great little post I made about how i felt about my marriage...2 years ago, 19 years being celebrated.
Now, Here i sit...trying to get out how i feel about it. I have been thinking about it all day. I know i have had quite a few of these blogs the past 2 months..but that is because its here...in my face, a year later.
How do you celebrate something that represents two things that are opposite one another? December 7 marks the 21st year my husband and I have been married and on this day two years ago I thought we were invincible. I recalled all the previous anniversaries we celebrated and the cards and gifts and promises. Two years ago the future held promise and adventure and excitement. So how do you celebrate a day that now doesn't have the same meaning? Last year we were apart and in the beginning stages of figuring out what we were going to do, how to make it through each day... forget about the next 20 years.
So here we are.
I've 364 days other days to remind me that this day would show up once again. It won't go away or be ignored or let my emotions off the hook. I'm back at ground zero and this day just no longer has any significance to us. It actually is a reminder that promises weren't kept and hearts were broken and feelings were betrayed. I didn't sign up for this 21 years ago. I feel sad and a significant sense of loss and mourning.
BUT I'm still here.
We are still here.
Even if this is a different version of the journey we started together, we are still traveling together. And some days are still very hard and emotional. Some days I wonder if it's going to come to end. But then I look back over the last year and I realize there are some days that inspire hope and a new future. I wonder if redemption means a new start and the day doesn't matter nearly as much the journey. Yes, there are still reminders of the past and I can't ignore them, but I also see glimpses of the future and I want to embrace them.
Right now this day might as well be the 7th of October or March 21st or any other day because it does not signify what it originally meant to me. I know this might not make sense to some people and it's okay for others to have their own opinions. But this is our life and we are so thankful to those who have been truly supportive and loving towards us. This has not been an easy year and your relationships mean the world to us. We love you.
I guess there are no easy answers for tomorrow and that's okay. We will keep working, every day, to restore what has been lost and and create new experiences that we will treasure.
All that matters right now is that we are choosing to do it together. Our Anniversary might not mean what it did...but we celebrate because its a new day that we are here together. And that makes it significant.
" I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"
-taken from "Times like These" Foo Fighters
Anyone that knows me at all, knows that this has been one of the hardest years of my life. There have been some days that my goal for myself is to just function. As a coach, this is not what i am supposed to do... let alone actually tell anyone that this is where i am at. And there have been many days over this year that i have felt like a fraud. But one thing i am...is honest and I try to be transparent. So, on that note...here we go.
Im writing this today for anyone who's ever GAINED weight during an extremely difficult time in their life. It might feel like you are alone, but you need to know, You are NOT alone!
Last fall, I experienced the most heartbreaking situation. I couldn't shut down because i am a mom and a coach, but from November - March, I was in survival mode. Somedays all I could do was get out of bed, get dressed and take care of my kids. Of course, the first thing out the window was the good habits of taking care of myself. But, I couldn't let go completely because...I am a coach. I packed on 10lbs due to the very confusing and dark time I was going through. I couldn't get myself to work out or eat well. And everyday, i would get up and think, "I need to get back in the game!" but, I just felt like such a failure, I couldn't get my act together. And the thing that hurt the most was that I KNEW what i needed to do. I KNEW the food to eat, i KNEW the plans to follow by heart. I just felt so weak. It's CRAZY what EMOTIONAL STRESS can do to the body.
It has been 11 months and today when i weighed, i was exactly 15lbs heavier than i was last year at this time.
And I have had enough.
I feel gross.
I feel weak.
I am emotionally and physically tired.
I got off that scale and had that feeling I had when I originally started this journey 2 years ago! I HAVE to start taking care of myself. I am a better person when I am taking care of myself. And I KNOW THIS! Even though life is sometimes out of control...my health is something I can control. And when life happens, we cant let it derail us. And i feel like that is what has happened to me. Don't get me wrong, the past 11 months haven't all been bad. I still get up every day and try, but not the way someone who is SERIOUS about changing there lifestyle does. I have had some good days sprinkled in there, but not many. On a positive note, I am grateful. I am grateful that even though i haven't had any movement really this past year...I didn't fully give up. And i totally would have before Beachbody. I would have given up completely..on everything.
Thankfully, I am daily weathering this life storm, and today I'm in a much better place. I tell my challengers all the time that the only way we fail is if we QUIT. And that has been getting me through every day this last year. Most days i have messed up or failed in some aspect, but I wont give up... And again, today is my Day 1.
As personal and scary as this was to share, I hope it helps ONE person know that there is grace and hope. You can make it through, you'll be OK. Just don't ever forget to take care of yourself! I am so grateful that I was not alone this year. That even though i felt like i was failing..DAILY...i still tried. I still showed up.
So, if you are ready to walk this journey with someone that knows GRACE and persistence...come with me. Im looking for women who want join me in completely transforming their bodies. Its not always easy, but it is so much better when we are doing it together. My next group starts November 5th and I am ready to go. We have 8 weeks left of this year and ALOT can happen in 8 weeks. (Aren't you interested to see what you can do in 8 weeks??? I am ❤️ )
There ya have it. Yep, I am a coach...a coach that isn't perfect. But a coach that will never give up...on myself or you.
Last minute packing is one of those exercises that we've all done a thousand times. I was throwing things together for my BeachBody trip to the Dominican Republic and one of the last things to make the cut was a book I almost didn't even bother bringing. I started reading it months ago but didn't finish because we all know that life gets in the way of our plans. I'm really glad I stuffed it into my carry-on.
My whole life I've been taught that forgiveness is one of the most important concepts in the world. Honestly, when you grow up hearing about something so much, it sort of loses its meaning and impact because I know I've been forgiven for lots of things in my life and I am humbled to be the recipient of grace. But over the last six months I have experienced the other side of forgiveness and being the person who actually forgives someone else is a process I am working through.
It's not just as easy as snapping your fingers and making the past disappear. Forgiveness isn't the same as forgetfulness because no matter how hard we want to erase somethings from our memory, life just doesn't work that way. Forgiveness means I release someone else from the wrongs they did to me. I don't excuse what happened and it's never an admittance that things are okay, but it's the first step in allowing that person to change and by doing so, allowing myself to move forward. I am really releasing myself from anger and hurt and pain by choosing to extend grace and mercy. Forgiveness is for me.
I believe in reconciliation and hope for a future because forgiveness tells me that even though I won't ever forget the past, it doesn't mean the past controls me. Right now I am in a resort in Punta Cana and this trip was supposed to be a celebration of 20 years of marriage for me and Curt. A few months ago I didn't think we both would be here but, God can do some amazing things. And because He has helped me to forgive, it is like a reset in our marriage and life. By forgiving, I extend hope and it doesn't matter what others think because, ultimately, I am the one who is living my life. Forgiveness is my choice because no one can do it for me.
It's crazy because I knew BeachBody could change my life in some ways but I never imagined it would provide a platform for reconciliation. What started out as a hobby turned into a job and has now grown into something that I will credit with saving my family. I am in a place to show grace and forgiveness because I know who I am.
Im a 43 year old Mom taking charge of her health and who's passionate about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life.