I don't think they make cards for days like tomorrow.
It was 22 years ago that Curt and I got married and started our life together. We were young and bright-eyed and going to take the world by storm because we thought we could do anything, together. We had very few material things and even fewer cares as we travelled the world together, doing what we loved.
Its hard to think about the last 2 years. Some days, i have no idea how we are going to get through and other days it almost seems like before "D-Day" (discovery day is what its called). But the last two years, the laughs have been fewer. The path has led to unforeseen places. Lives have been changed and dreams have been dashed. Our foundation was broken. Tomorrow is supposed to be an anniversary but how is a person supposed to celebrate something that hurts? There is no point commemorating a day that is a reminder of a broken life. I told you they don't really make cards for days like tomorrow, believe me...I spent quite a few hours looking. Fortunately, tomorrow is not the final word and there is another chapter or two left to spin the tale of a love redeemed and grace shown.
Because even though its been a bit of a roller coaster, the highs are more often than the lows. The smiles are beginning to resurface and hearts are beating again. Our life continues on with a measured pace but there is a bounce in our steps that was once forgotten. Life continues in ways we never intended but joy and hope now come around for longer, more deliberate visits.
Friendship is being restored and cultivated because while much of the past needed to be removed, some of it... the good parts of it... are being replanted and springing to life. And while this will never be a day I feel like throwing a party and celebrating, it can be a day that symbolizes that true love does cast out all fear. Tomorrow is a monument to the greatest sacrifice ever made and also to the one we make every day. We choose to love and forgive and move on because the faith and hope in what we will become is far more powerful than what has tried to define us.
Tomorrow might not be easy but I have hope and our future seems brighter than I thought it could be.
Here are some pics of 2018. And what i love is the smiles are real.
God is good.
So, once again, i woke up this morning to another "on this day" memory on facebook. But it was actually from 2 years ago. It was a good memory. A great little post I made about how i felt about my marriage...2 years ago, 19 years being celebrated.
Now, Here i sit...trying to get out how i feel about it. I have been thinking about it all day. I know i have had quite a few of these blogs the past 2 months..but that is because its here...in my face, a year later.
How do you celebrate something that represents two things that are opposite one another? December 7 marks the 21st year my husband and I have been married and on this day two years ago I thought we were invincible. I recalled all the previous anniversaries we celebrated and the cards and gifts and promises. Two years ago the future held promise and adventure and excitement. So how do you celebrate a day that now doesn't have the same meaning? Last year we were apart and in the beginning stages of figuring out what we were going to do, how to make it through each day... forget about the next 20 years.
So here we are.
I've 364 days other days to remind me that this day would show up once again. It won't go away or be ignored or let my emotions off the hook. I'm back at ground zero and this day just no longer has any significance to us. It actually is a reminder that promises weren't kept and hearts were broken and feelings were betrayed. I didn't sign up for this 21 years ago. I feel sad and a significant sense of loss and mourning.
BUT I'm still here.
We are still here.
Even if this is a different version of the journey we started together, we are still traveling together. And some days are still very hard and emotional. Some days I wonder if it's going to come to end. But then I look back over the last year and I realize there are some days that inspire hope and a new future. I wonder if redemption means a new start and the day doesn't matter nearly as much the journey. Yes, there are still reminders of the past and I can't ignore them, but I also see glimpses of the future and I want to embrace them.
Right now this day might as well be the 7th of October or March 21st or any other day because it does not signify what it originally meant to me. I know this might not make sense to some people and it's okay for others to have their own opinions. But this is our life and we are so thankful to those who have been truly supportive and loving towards us. This has not been an easy year and your relationships mean the world to us. We love you.
I guess there are no easy answers for tomorrow and that's okay. We will keep working, every day, to restore what has been lost and and create new experiences that we will treasure.
All that matters right now is that we are choosing to do it together. Our Anniversary might not mean what it did...but we celebrate because its a new day that we are here together. And that makes it significant.
" I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"
-taken from "Times like These" Foo Fighters
I woke up today pretty excited to start this new program. I was ready to go. It was the fresh start i was looking for. And as i was in bed scrolling facebook, my “on this day” popped up. And honestly…i wasn’t ready for it. I thought it was tomorrow, i was prepared for tomorrow. As i read that post, I remember writing it and no one had any idea what i meant. Just me.
365 days ago, my life changed in every way imaginable. I was vacuuming my living room and Curt walked in the front door. He had the weirdest look on his face and being with him for 20 years, i knew it wasn't good. He just said, “You are never going to forgive me, our life is over.” I just stood there, vacuum in hand as he told me that he had been living a life that I would never forgive. Everything I knew, loved, thought, and cherished was annihilated with one conversation that left my family broken. It was one of those moments when you know you're talking to another person but you feel like you're hovering above the scene, watching as a third-party observer; witnessing the death of every good and decent emotion or memory of the past 20 years. The details are not important. Whats important is that we are still here.
Im not gonna lie, its been the longest year of my life. And as i laid in bed this morning…i was not angry. I was not sad. This “anniversary” was something i have heard is really hard to deal with, so i was trying to prepare for this day for months. But, this morning, i just cried…not mourning my marriage or my life, but i cried because I was so grateful that God saved Curt this day a year ago. God saved my marriage. God saved my family. I really believe that. Of course it would have been great to not have this happen, but all i kept thinking is…Curt came to me. He shed light on the darkness. He brought his sins to God. He chose US instead of the life he had been living. And that is something to celebrate.
God is a redeemer.
God forgave Curt that day.
It took me until April to really forgive, but I have. ❤️
We are still here.
I am still here.
This last year of our life has been lived daily, almost minute-by-minute. There were a million possible outcomes and I considered every one of them, enduring sleepless nights and comatose days for sometimes weeks on end. But through everything we have experienced, one sentiment resounded clearly and loudly: we are not a cliché and this is our story to write and the outcome is being penned every day on a backdrop of forgiveness, redemption, and hope.
We are still here.
And as painful as that moment and the subsequent 365 days worth of moments have been, I truly believe I've seen the hand of God and felt his saving grace in a family that needed it.
Our lives have changed in ways I never considered because God has given us a type of grace I never knew existed. I read about it and believed it was fine for other people but didn't think I would ever have to tap into it. So every day we move forward with a little more hope and purpose than the day before. We move forward even though we have lost friends who said they would be there for us no matter what. AND we have found new friends that have been more than we needed. We move forward out of a newfound love and not just obligation. I am changing, he is changing, we are changed. This is our new reality.
It's a process and not a quick-fix or formula (sound familiar???). Somedays we cry hard and laugh harder. The days add up and with them our collective lives are growing closer because we are learning to acknowledge the past, build the present, and anticipate a future. As much as it felt like life had ended, it didn't. We have a second chance that will not be thrown away.
Wow..its hard to share when i have sooo much to say, but not enough room to say it. Im sure your wondering how this ties into what i am doing, but all i know is that we are capable of more than we think, In ALL aspects of life. I always knew i was stubborn and determined, but now i realize I am committed and i am hopeful. I know anything is possible...if we put in the work and want it bad enough.
***My support system this year...
And when I decide to do something, I am all in. This past year I have applied these traits to my family and marriage and daily life on a few different levels and I have been successful because I work hard and try to walk out what I ask others to do. So, that is what i am going to lean on as i do this new program.
This couldn’t come at a better time, as i said, this year i have just been “surviving” and so i need to do this. I do not take this for granted. This is a huge commitment and I welcome the challenge ahead of me because I know that I have a chance to do something that could benefit thousands of other people I will never meet. And isn't that what this is all about, really? A few years ago I got into BeachBody so I could improve certain areas of my own health and well-being but now I realize that I enjoy helping others as much as I do seeing results for myself.
This is going to be quite a challenge and it will take discipline and effort but I welcome all of it. Over the last year I've seen and felt too much to be intimidated by pain or discouragement or despair. In the past I might have approached this opportunity with fear and doubt but not today. Now I am excited and I expect to succeed. I am doing this for myself as well as all of you who know me and believe in me.
So, thank you for being apart of our journey.
Thank you for your support and love.
Thank you for your encouragement.
I can't wait to keep you posted!
So...i had to come share something not very flattering..but a total NSV for me. A win in my book.
For years...I have not been in pictures with the kids. I was too embarrassed. Too insecure. Too Uncomfortable. Too fat...blah blah blah. I always made sure to be the one taking the pictures. And now..when we look at the photo albums (yes, actual pics😜) I am barely in any of them..and if i am, I'm in the back or its just my face. If i HAD to be in a picture, i made sure i was strategically placed or that someone else was... I was the queen of reasons/excuses.
I will never forget one time looking at the photo albums with Sophie and she asked where i was...how come i wasn't around. Why didnt i spend time with them when they were little...😳 It totally broke my heart. I hated that i put my insecurities first and I never gave it a second thought what my kids would think when they looked at those pictures.
So, today...we took some fun/dumb pics of our memories for our future selves...and i made sure to be in them. In my mind, i was pretty proud of myself. When we came in the house..i noticed of course my flaws...the cellulite still on my legs. As someone that has been on this healthy journey for the last 2 years and that works out at least 5 days most weeks...im not gonna lie..at first i almost deleted the picture. I was upset and was just like..seriously??? I don't want evidence of me like this... It just didn't feel like it was a good picture of the hard work i have put in. The 45+ pounds i have lost...the 40+ inches i have shed. My legs are so strong now..and when i looked at the picture, i didn't see strength.
And then..i remembered that talk with Sophie. I want them to look back at today and see i was with them. That my very strong muscular legs with a little extra love... was with them...
That i was present...cellulite and all <3
Spoiler alert: Life is not a movie or a novel. We don't get commercial breaks and we can't DVR the parts we want to experience while deleting the rest. Sometimes things work out perfectly for a few minutes or hours or even days, but more often than not we end up reacting to whatever is thrown our way and out of our control. I am sitting here, trying to pack my stuff for 2 different events that have been in my calendar for a year...and i have feelings of disappointment, fear, excitement, joy, anger, anxiety, anticipation and disappointment..(oh, did i mentiion that already?)
This time last year I was enjoying the grand experience of being at my first Beachbody Summit. I soaked everything in and couldn't wait until this year where I knew I would be recognized on stage for my awesome achievements.
This time 2 years ago, I finished my first marathon in Missoula, ending months of agonizing training so I could fulfill a dream. I began thinking ahead to this year's marathon and how I would improve my time.
This time last year life was going well and my family was enjoying the beginnings of a relaxing summer. I anticipated this summer and the traveling we would do.
But then a funny thing happened: Reality exploded all around me...
I am attending my second Summit next week without having advanced in the organization as much as I wanted. I am not bringing my team with me like I had imagined and I am not at the level I just KNEW I would be. I worked hard this year but still came short of so many goals.
I am running a half-marathon tomorrow because an injury took me out of my training. I wanted to do a full so badly and even though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weaker than it used to be. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I am entering this summer after the hardest year, personally, I've ever had. There is no traveling or real vacation but we are going forward in spite of difficult circumstances. And after all of these, I want to share a little secret with you: We are the authors of our own stories in the sense that we get to decide how to fill in the pages when the curveballs come. We only succumb to the pain and sadness and despair when we stop trying. Just because my "timeline" is off...it doesn't mean i won't hit all these goals. It just means down the road...and i am ok with that.
Failing is not an option because it's an attitude and not a fact.
Every day I wake up and continue to press on is another victory for me because I know what I have come through and where I'm going. My life is defined not by theme music but by the character I display. I don't have endorsements but I do have the love and support of people who love and care for me. And I am not a failure because I know who I am. I can do this.
... I already am.
Im a 44 year old Mom taking charge of her health and who's passionate about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life.