So, once again, i woke up this morning to another "on this day" memory on facebook. But it was actually from 2 years ago. It was a good memory. A great little post I made about how i felt about my marriage...2 years ago, 19 years being celebrated.
Now, Here i sit...trying to get out how i feel about it. I have been thinking about it all day. I know i have had quite a few of these blogs the past 2 months..but that is because its here...in my face, a year later.
How do you celebrate something that represents two things that are opposite one another? December 7 marks the 21st year my husband and I have been married and on this day two years ago I thought we were invincible. I recalled all the previous anniversaries we celebrated and the cards and gifts and promises. Two years ago the future held promise and adventure and excitement. So how do you celebrate a day that now doesn't have the same meaning? Last year we were apart and in the beginning stages of figuring out what we were going to do, how to make it through each day... forget about the next 20 years.
So here we are.
I've 364 days other days to remind me that this day would show up once again. It won't go away or be ignored or let my emotions off the hook. I'm back at ground zero and this day just no longer has any significance to us. It actually is a reminder that promises weren't kept and hearts were broken and feelings were betrayed. I didn't sign up for this 21 years ago. I feel sad and a significant sense of loss and mourning.
BUT I'm still here.
We are still here.
Even if this is a different version of the journey we started together, we are still traveling together. And some days are still very hard and emotional. Some days I wonder if it's going to come to end. But then I look back over the last year and I realize there are some days that inspire hope and a new future. I wonder if redemption means a new start and the day doesn't matter nearly as much the journey. Yes, there are still reminders of the past and I can't ignore them, but I also see glimpses of the future and I want to embrace them.
Right now this day might as well be the 7th of October or March 21st or any other day because it does not signify what it originally meant to me. I know this might not make sense to some people and it's okay for others to have their own opinions. But this is our life and we are so thankful to those who have been truly supportive and loving towards us. This has not been an easy year and your relationships mean the world to us. We love you.
I guess there are no easy answers for tomorrow and that's okay. We will keep working, every day, to restore what has been lost and and create new experiences that we will treasure.
All that matters right now is that we are choosing to do it together. Our Anniversary might not mean what it did...but we celebrate because its a new day that we are here together. And that makes it significant.
" I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?
It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"
-taken from "Times like These" Foo Fighters
So...i had to come share something not very flattering..but a total NSV for me. A win in my book.
For years...I have not been in pictures with the kids. I was too embarrassed. Too insecure. Too Uncomfortable. Too fat...blah blah blah. I always made sure to be the one taking the pictures. And now..when we look at the photo albums (yes, actual pics😜) I am barely in any of them..and if i am, I'm in the back or its just my face. If i HAD to be in a picture, i made sure i was strategically placed or that someone else was... I was the queen of reasons/excuses.
I will never forget one time looking at the photo albums with Sophie and she asked where i was...how come i wasn't around. Why didnt i spend time with them when they were little...😳 It totally broke my heart. I hated that i put my insecurities first and I never gave it a second thought what my kids would think when they looked at those pictures.
So, today...we took some fun/dumb pics of our memories for our future selves...and i made sure to be in them. In my mind, i was pretty proud of myself. When we came in the house..i noticed of course my flaws...the cellulite still on my legs. As someone that has been on this healthy journey for the last 2 years and that works out at least 5 days most weeks...im not gonna lie..at first i almost deleted the picture. I was upset and was just like..seriously??? I don't want evidence of me like this... It just didn't feel like it was a good picture of the hard work i have put in. The 45+ pounds i have lost...the 40+ inches i have shed. My legs are so strong now..and when i looked at the picture, i didn't see strength.
And then..i remembered that talk with Sophie. I want them to look back at today and see i was with them. That my very strong muscular legs with a little extra love... was with them...
That i was present...cellulite and all <3
Im a 44 year old Mom taking charge of her health and who's passionate about helping you live your healthiest, happiest life.